So last time I talked about the use of the "I" pronoun instead of "one" or "they" when talking about opinions or feelings. It seems simple but is deeply rooted in the notion of taking ownership of my own feelings and thoughts.
It is hard to get used to it because it implies a deep transformation within myself: I am no longer justifying my actions in advance by deflecting my responsibilities on others.
But most importantly, it implies I acknowledge my own thoughts and feelings are as valid as others', and they can disagree with me; I'm starting to LISTEN. Because when I acknowledge my own feelings and thoughts are not the rest of the world's, I automatically open myself to different ideas.
Now let's talk about something that may sound rather trivial at first:
How to ask for things.
"Aaw come on, Juan! Are you saying I don't know how to ask for things? That's intuitive!"
Let's make a very simple exercise: take a piece of paper and something to write with. (a pen, pencil, etc...)
Ok, now write down on that piece of paper how would you ask for someone to pick you up in the morning to drive you to the airport.
Now keep that piece of paper for later.
I as said on my previous post, communication has an structure, and that structure has a purpose.
The structure of a request.
A request has to contain the following:
- What needs to be done.
- What need will it satisfy? / Why should it be done? (objective, purpose of the request)
- How should it be done. (acceptance criteria)
- When should it be done. (timeline, deadline)
Now let's see: How would I write a request for John to pick me up in order to drive me to the airport?
"Hi John, could you please pick me up tomorrow at 7 am at my home and drive me to the Monterrey International Airport? I need to be there at 8 am as I have to take the 10 am flight to NYC, and am advised to be 2 hours in advance. I have an important meeting with a potential client at 14:00 hrs EST and can't miss it.
I will be waiting for you outside, please ring my cell if I'm not there: 555-555-5555
A rather large e-mail for a simple request don't you think so? Well, let's see some common scenarios:
- "Hi John, please pick me up tomorrow morning at home. I need you to drive me to the airport. I have to be there at 8 am."
The next day John arrived to my home... at 7:15 am, as he thought that was a good time. John didn't know traffic from home is jammed at that time. I arrived at 8:30 am and was not admitted to the flight. I had to cancel the meeting as I couldn't reschedule it.
Is it John's fault? No! I missed the when it should be done, and why it should be done parts. If John knew how important this meeting was, maybe even if I didn't indicate the time for him to pick me up, he'd certainly have arrived the earliest.
- "Hi John, please pick me up tomorrow morning at 7 am. I have to take a flight at 8 am and can't miss it".
John arrived sharp... to the office! And he had no way to call me. I waited for John until 7:20 and had to take a cab. I arrived late.
Is it John's fault? No! I didn't tell him to pick me up at home, nor I gave him any contact number in case of emergency.
- "Hi John, tommorrow 7 am at home. You'll drive me to the airport."
"Clear enough" John thought. And he went into a party with some friends. "How important can it be? I do this almost every week." He arrived hungover at 7:10 am. He was driving so fast we crashed. I took a cab but I missed the flight.
Is it John's fault? Well, I didn't tell him to get drunk, but I certainly didn't tell him how important this meeting was. Had he known, he might not have gone to that party. I missed the why it should be done part.
The ideal scenario.
Enough tragedy, let's see what happened after I asked John properly:
John left his home at 6:00 to go pick me up, but he had a car accident at 6:45 am. He called my cellphone and I asked for a taxi cab. I called my office admin and told her about the situation to see what she could do. I informed my colleagues at NYC about the risk of me not arriving on time or not arriving at all.
Taxi arrived at 7:10 am and I roughly made it to the flight at 8:15 am, where the airline had been notified of my delay and security inspectors were waiting for me. I made it! I informed my colleagues and called John to see how he was doing: he was alright.
The importance of properly asking for things.
We have to remember we take decisions based on the information we have. Providing the proper information to people is then crucial if I want to rely on others to achieve a goal; it's not just about them doing it right, it's about me asking it right.
I bet you can think of several examples now, I bet you're thinking in your head about how you ask for things, and how not having asked them properly affected the results. This applies to both our professional and personal lives.
When I went through this course, at this point I realized why people kept failing me: I was asking others to fix in themselves something I had to fix in myself!
If after requesting things properly people still don't comply, well, that's another story. I accomplished my responsibility of making a proper request.
So now go back to the piece of paper where you wrote a request as an exercise. Take a deeper look at it.
Is it really that easy to ask for things? Is it really that trivial?
Hope this helps you somehow. I'd like to read your thoughts at the comments section.